Laying in a pool of my own tears, totally broken down realizing everything I lost, everything I knew to be true was not, the people I loved ripped from my life and gone, broken dreams and a shattered identity of who I thought myself and my life to be. The pain inside was like a knife in my gut, being pulled slowly in and out. Could life get any worse? Was death better than this?
When I found myself in this situation, I was just about broke. I was eating rice noodles because I didn’t have enough for anything else. I wondered what was my future? It didn’t look good at this point. No home, no money, no love to be found. Then it did get worse, I got wretched good poisoning. For two weeks I lay in a motel bed I could barely afford vomiting all night and day. I tried medicines but they didn’t work. I was riddled with parasites. I felt like I was dying. I was running out of money to stay anywhere.
Then I remembered, I had been given a gift many years ago that helped me center myself. It calmed my emotions, it soothed my aching soul. It didn’t cost me anything to do. It was Qigong. The words of my teacher echoed in my head, “When you are sad go do Qigong. When you are angry go do Qigong. When you are done on the ground go do Qigong.” I got up and began. I started doing my Qigong and I would break down crying, but I got back up and kept on. I would cry as I did the Qigong, tears pouring down my face, but I kept on. After several hours of this, I went into meditation and for the first time in a while, I felt peaceful.
I woke up the next day and felt the pain and emotions come on. I went out in nature and practiced my Qigong again for hours and then went into deep meditation. Then in the afternoon, I felt my emotions come on strong again. I went out into nature and did my Qigong all the way into the darkness. I got my appetite back. I started to sleep again. The emotions would come back and each day I did my Qigong for hours. There was nothing else I wanted to do more at this point. It soothed my aching soul. Not only was I feeling better, but I also began to gain a sense of confidence back. My emotions were gradually becoming more positive. I wasn’t dwelling on what I didn’t have anymore. I was building a new future in that present moment. It was grounding me, centering my very being. With each deep movement, I felt I was squeezing out the pain and emotions right out of my body. When they came out at first they poured, and gradually they would subside. My body felt renewed, I began to stand tall. My life force was beating strongly again.
Qigong is the gift that has been with me through thick and thin, through the trials and tribulations of life. When I felt I hit rock bottom and had nothing or no one it picked me up and carried me through. I am now devoted to this practice because of that. I saw so many others in pain, and I connected to them through their pain and suffering. I understood what they felt, and I knew there was a way out. I knew I had to share this with those who are suffering.
Now millions of people are suffering around the world, many have lost their jobs or their loved ones. Some are in lockdown literally starving and I know some of them. Now I am not saying there is a magic bullet that will solve all your problems, but I know you can at least die a happier person. I know this because I worked with a man dying of liver cancer. He couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t smile. All he felt was dread. After just 3 days of Qigong, he began to smile, eat and sleep. I knew when I saw these results, this is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. To connect with another person who is suffering and to give them the tools that helped you climb out is one of the most richly rewarding things I have experienced.
I see now that so many more are suffering and I want to connect with you to share this gift with you. None of us have to suffer like this or alone. We may have systems we hate, conditions that make us cringe, circumstances that are hard to swallow, but we always have Qigong and this can carry us through, I know because it has for me. Connection to each other through the mutually shared human experience of suffering, finding light and sharing that with each other, moving closer to our earth, because the people or systems we thought would protect us are not really there, it was all an illusion. Our beautiful mother earth is waiting for us, but we need to care for her as we have abused our mother and her scars show it. She is reflecting the pain we have inflicted on her back on us. We have hurt each other and we bear the scars from that pain.
Now we must learn to love ourselves, forgive for what we have done, and move forward to heal those wounds. Qigong has taught me to love myself on both a spiritual and physical level. It taught me to connect with myself and the natural world. Once we can give ourselves that love, we can share that love with each other. That will spread from our families to our friends and outwards rippling out. We are in the midst of the Fourth Turning and the time of destruction which can be a powerful lesson in shedding what we identified ourselves with. Some have already lost loved ones in this and more of us will part during this time. Now is the time to go deep into our very being, turn inwards as we have the answers. I use Qigong and this is what I know works, I hope it can for you too.
There were so many times when I wanted to leave everything and run into the forest and mountains and never come back. I thought the world is mad, people want to destroy each other and our earth. I saw poverty that would make some sick to their stomach. I spoke to victims of war. My heart ached and I felt overwhelmed with grief for what I witnessed. I realized I could not stay secluded and keep this gift selfishly. I must share it and this is my contribution. No matter what we lose, or who we lose we must persevere and keep moving forward, bringing goodness with each step. My greatest wish, to leave this earth a more beautiful place before I leave.